“let’s do a check-in, see how far you’ve come, if you’re ahead, if you’re behind.”
school’s so mean, isn’t it?
tests are mean too.
the world is scary.
i have to wait. waiting is anxiety inducing. what if i didn’t do enough? what if i spent more time watching youtube videos than khan academy? what if my lack of checking things off one by one results in less screen time? what if my dependency on screens is fueling unrecognized problems that will manifest in emotional trauma that will leave me in a bigger wreck than i was five minutes before?
i hate waiting. i hate it hate it hate it hate it hate hate hate–
no. i don’t hate waiting. i think maybe we tend to mask our feelings for things with the blanket term of hate. but i’m not.
school isn’t supposed to be scary, is it?
but when you’re sorely missing a couple tests that you can’t give out yourself and you lack the mindpower or willpower to channel through more than 2 sections of algebra a week and it’s like a few days before the break and you haven’t done a dang thing, you failure you wreck you lazy sham of a human being and you’re scared, you’re scared, you’re scared.
anxiety. gotta love it.
no, there’s people here. can’t scream, not today.
i’m gonna forget about this tomorrow. for sure. because i’m going to be fine. what probably will happen is a ton of worksheets, more tests, maybe a little more pressure to do work and not just watch youtube– but there’s no yelling. there’s no screaming. there’s no attack on who i am, just some encouragement to develop what i can do, because that’s what it’s supposed to be, it’s going to be okay, it’s going to be okay, i am not going to have any major bouts of anxiety except for the one i’m placing on myself and i will be fine.
ah, whups, there’s the check in.
“yes, talking to people is scary, but you can do it.”
so you’re not gonna be mad at me for not clearing off like, 2 chapters of math?
“24/7 screentime isn’t healthy, of course, and i get that you’ve never really had the chance to– you know, to socialize, because of your situation, so we want to give you that opportunity.”
my anxiety isn’t sure whether to scream or to cease and desist.
i’ve built a world of my own because the real world didn’t want me. and now you’re telling me that you want to give me a shot at it again.
,,, i ,,, don’t,,,
how to register that,,
is it weird that i don’t know how to feel? is it weird that i have to personify my anxiety just to be able to control it? is it weird that the concept of stepping out into the world, truly, with nothing holding me back feels so WRONG to me? because i’m the bird who’s grown up in a cage and felt that freedom was a crime?
help me out anxiety. be useful for once, why dontcha?
“yes…. you can have music. BUT NO DISTRACTIONS.”
you,,, you care–
you! care! about! me!
see anxiety? see? i told you. we’re fine, we’re fine.
i told you that to your face and you just shrugged. not that you didn’t care, but like doing otherwise was simply not an option.
where do they make people like you?
i think i’ll leave that to my anxiety to puzzle over for now.
because at least for now, i’m okay.
maybe i’ll play ukulele and… read something. like an actual book. and write in my journal. and watch the stars from the roof. and start jogging. maybe i’ll.. meet people. and say hi to the people. and find more people.
maybe i’ll be okay.
maybe you’ll be okay too. don’t lie, i saw you wincing at your checkbook. i saw how you looked at uncle while he was dozing off from chronic fatigue.
maybe uncle will be okay.
maybe i’ll finish my homework and say hi to the girl that tutors on the weekdays.
and you’ll smile because you want me to go out and socialize.
we’ll be okay. we’ll be okay.
kid will be okay too, eventually. i saw him this morning during lunch.
do you hear that anxiety
don’t jinx this
i have homework-–
~how rare and beautiful it is, to even exist, jo~