listen, i’ve written 30 something k this nano and that’s a win and i think that deserves a good ole snarky post because i have no filter whatsoever.
also, i feel like awaeseason3!mrs. barry would kill me for this kinda behavior, but i mean.. she asked for it. (it’s rather a bit of regression to her change of heart in season to but PROPRIETY, y’know.)
and yes, my dudes. i actually researched finishing schools for this because i. am extra. 🙂
THE ENTIRE BLOGSPHERE IS BEING SHIPPED TO FINISHING SCHOOL. yes, that’s right, you heard me. we have far too many uncouth, progressive bloggers in the world and NOBODY is doing what they’re supposed to do! go find spouses, you bunch of bibliophiles! it’s time we shipped them all out to turn them into proper people. boys, you get sent off to boarding school. have fun being bored (though honestly, you get to learn french, german, somehow understand algebra, box, fence, and debate, which is kinda cool, so i have no clue what you’re crying about.) girls, they’re finishing us off.
prepare to die.
you young ladies, sadly, cannot make the treacherous journey alone, it is most unbecoming and unthinkable to travel without a chaperone, which, in your case, is your twice-bored older sister’s friend who doesn’t get my blog. wave goodbye to your books and music because it’s not very attractive to enjoy a good piece of work, i’m afraid.
NOW. we are all arranged into our societal class, which of course, is the paid domains and the wordpress.com users, (you’re on blogger? erhm. go to a charm school. work your way to the top.) because heaven forbid someone save enough to switch to wordpress.org. ya need your husband for that sweetie. SPEAKING OF, shouldn’t you be balancing a book on your head and curtesying like, right now? for shame. go stick your pinkie in the air and spill tea. but tea tea, because it is not good to show that you are capable of thinking deeply. guys would just stay away.
what you will learn here? first off, we don’t ask questions, and second off, you should enjoy your education of good ole dead languages, occasional french and german (gotta get them lads), penmanship (because all that typing makes your hands utterly useless) and dancing. (instantly, the ballet, gymnastic, and skater bloggers sigh in relief. the theater kids look both excited and nervous. enni quits.) these are all things you must learn to enjoy a domestic life following as many rules as possible and achieving nothing of significance (because who would want a cure for cancer when you could have a hUsBaNd?)
no, pants are not allowed– what are you, a worker? here, we dress with grace and charming, which is something you all lack. i see you, “fan girls” or whatever you call yourselves. control your tempers, it is UNBECOMING to vex yourselves into such hysterics! shouldn’t you leave well enough alone to the menfolk? here, sit quietly and learn embroidery. and stop reading! we are not bluestockings, we wear them.
don’t run after a carriage in the street. yes, i am aware that might be your uber, but had you taken uber-care to properly make it in time, we wouldn’t be here, now would we? and where on EARTH is your chaperone? take care with your dress, and how dare you wear converse underneath all those unneeded layers? we are not here to be “fly”, if anything flies it would be most indecent! goodness, i’m not paid enough for this.
when we’ve deemed that you can successfully make small talk, cease chattering about things like “diversity” and “representation”, properly flirt with and hold on to a guy (preferably in his 20s, after all, you’re far too young and naive and need someone to assume superiority over you– what’s this about “equals?”), then we will debut you to the world and announce that your forever life goal is for men to woo you into marriage, whereupon you will get married, have kids, and sip tea for the rest of your life. then, and only then, can you occasionally learn to box (in private gardens and such), do scientific experiments (hold beakers for your husband and such like) and become the finest porcelain possible and watch as history paints your life (which, surprisingly, can be full, beautiful, and richer than anyone thinks) into the background for time to forget. OF COURSE blogging is forbidden! no, we do not publish our thoughts for the world to see! who will listen to you?
what do you MEAN, you have at least 100 followers? we are to allure people with our charm, not with who we really are! i can’t believe this generation sometimes.
excuse me? you make puns? you don’t want a man? you want to pursue engineering? you think men and women should receive equal pay? saying “like” shows consideration, and not sloppiness? you believe that everyone should READ!?
that’s it! i give up. if each of you ends up causing a scene, don’t say i didn’t try.
at the very least, add cream in your tea, you ungenteel people.
~get it right, jo~
p.s. i regret nothing. yet.p.p. s. i’d also like to say that i’m bashing societal expectations, not society positions. because guess what? not everyone goes off to save the world and discover unknown elements. some people want the domestic life. the smile, quiet, easy, happy, basic. and who here can say that’s a bad thing?
p.p.s. i’d also also like to say that i’m not poking fun at etiquette. etiquette’s intent is to serve others through your actions, which is something we all should take more care to do. i’m poking fun at the outdated emphasis and the stiff rules people held important in their world.
p.p.p.s. let’s just say 2019 and 1919 are drastically different and i’m grateful for that.