don’t put salt in your coffee, or, sometimes i’m selfish and need to rant and sometimes it’s for one person and sometimes i make no sense

Espresso dripping into a porcelain mug from a steel machine

*also i’m putting in unsplash pictures that remind me of you because i’m weird like that*

hey bun bun.

do you remember when you had a sleepover with the girls at church and it was the first night i can remember where you weren’t there and i was so miserable i cried for the whole night?

okay, i was like, five, but it was still traumatic.

"Holden, we need to go!" Zara shouted, stepping backwards, eyes glued to the wave of mindless soldiers marching towards them. If they ran now, only two of them would make it out alive. Fletcher clutched at his side, desperately trying to slow the blood flow, as he staggered down the street. "Go-" He weakly moaned, his legs beginning to wobble. He wouldn't make it much farther, Zara knew that, but Holden was too stubborn to let him go.

or that time you went away to camp and i had to spend three whole days without you? three? i think i watched like, 3 movies straight to try to forget the fact that you weren’t there, you weren’t there to be with me and talk and laugh and do all of the things we used to. (and that’s selfish, but it’s true.)

i don’t know how i thought those things were terrible, because then you moved to the states for college and it was quite literally the end of the world. i mean, you came back for christmas and summer until life happened and you moved to the states permanently, but man, it hurt.

purple-petaled flower

and, y’know, life happened and it happened and we grew a bit and we changed and you got married and i wrote a book that will never be published and we had to do it all together and apart all at once and there were late night talks huddled together on a bed talking about everything from calvinism to stories the the dreams that haunted us both and then suddenly you were a face on a screen that i couldn’t touch, but it was okay because it was you and i was going to see you soon,

and,

i did and it was the best 2 months i had in a long time and it was safe and you were there and it was beautiful and even if we were both changing we were still sisters and there was nothing that could cahnge that fact and-

and then i had to move back. more like forced to because of, well, life.

which… which was even more traumatizing then the sleepover.

and we could text and talk and it was still normal, still okay, still safe, still hopeful.

two woman jumping on the street during daytime

until suddenly i’m in a different timezone, on an island thousand of miles from you and you see the sun when i see the moon and i don’t know how to process anything internally or externally and i don’t even know that i’ll see you in person in who knows how long– i don’t know.

drat, i’m crying now.

it probably doesn’t help that i’m listening to your playlist.

ugh, emotions.

shallow focus photography of musical note book

and it’s saturday for me, and i kinda really just want to be banging on your tiny cottage door, making fun of frubby, claiming the rest of the fruit gummies, working on stuff with you and excitedly looking up future courses.

and it hurts that i have done that, and i’ll get to do that, but i can’t do that now.

it’s weird about us humans. we want the now. we want the here. we want what we want and when we don’t get it, we feel this strange thing called sadness.

and in that way, i’m really selfish.

parked police

you’re like the nani to my lilo, even though we both agree stitch is my spirit animal. (wait, did we O_O) you’re an anchor point that i can return to, a safe place that i can fall back on any time and i just. i don’t know anything. i don’t know what this time will entail. i don’t know what’s going to happen. i don’t know what to do or how to do it, i don’t know how to block the noise that screams in my head, i don’t know where to put the thoughts that invade my mind, and i don’t know how to do any of that without you.

and i’m here and you’re there and i really, really miss you.

woman standing near brown wooden cabinet

but…

but then maybe i’m five again and the sleepover is terrible. but that’s not the end of the story.

i feel like you would tell me that one day, we’re going to look back and see why God did everything the way He did. that all we can do is just keep doing and trust and it will be okay and that we’re together even though we’re apart.

but right now, ate,

i really

photo of person walking on road surrounded by trees during noontime

really

miss you.

and i wish we took more pictures and had more late night laughing and coffee dates and those little dumb things that mean everything and just

two women hugging each other

i miss you

a lot.

and i sure hope you’re not reading this because that would be really awkward. but also that’s not new. so.

i love you bun bun.

always will.

don’t put salt in your coffee.

selective focus photography of grumpy face toddler sitting on plaid pad taken during daytime

~you are my sunshine, jo~

36 Replies to “don’t put salt in your coffee, or, sometimes i’m selfish and need to rant and sometimes it’s for one person and sometimes i make no sense”

  1. Aw.
    To a degree, I kinda get this. My family went to Thailand on a mission trip last month and we were there for almost two weeks. It didn’t feel that far away until I realized that all my friends, all my people, were sleeping during the time I was awake and vice versa.
    So, *hugs* though I don’t 100% know what you’re going through, I can tell you that it’s gonna be okay and God’s still taking care of you and your friends when you’re not there to make sure they’re alright.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I felt exactly what you mean.
    Honestly, this was beautiful to read, and sad, but it did mean something. I don’t think it was selfish. Many people may be going through the same thing.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. “Sometimes it’s for one person and sometimes I make no sense.” Same, more often than I care to admit…I just don’t usually come out and say it. So thanks for saying so. 😍
    This has got me thinking…I’ve been away from my parents and youngest brothers multiple times, but I’ve never been away from my “oldest” younger brother…now I wonder what that’ll be like. 🙁 Sure we fight and argue and get on each other’s nerves…but at least we’re always there.
    On a lighter note, that last picture… 😆🥰

    Liked by 1 person

    1. ❤ aww, kassie. and yeah. i've been used to being away from my sister for a while, but never in this way, so it's a tough first. *props*
      heh. XD what can i say, i'm weird.

      Like

  4. “until suddenly i’m in a different timezone, on an island thousand of miles from you and you see the sun when i see the moon” – you don’t know how much that hit a chord with me.

    First of all it’s just gosh dang so poetic and gorgeous and full of longing and emotions and HOW do you do it? I both enjoy and envy your skill, girl.

    Second of all I know why it hits me so hard – I’m 5000 miles and 8 time zones away from my family and I see the moon when they see the sun and even though it’s the same moon and sun, 5000 miles separate us and it hurts to be both standing in shadows from different lights and know we can’t share in the shadows and lights together. Our hearts aren’t made for separation.

    Thank you, Jo. You expressed the emotions I didn’t know I could express in words and you did it well.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. *hugs because you need them*
      you said it so beautifully. our hearts cannot tolerate being away from people we love. and just.. yes. the hurts hurt and the pain is real and the ache and longing is there.

      ❤ i tried. here's to the aching and the waiting and the longing, and the reunion that we know will happen one day. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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