*also i’m putting in unsplash pictures that remind me of you because i’m weird like that*
hey bun bun.
do you remember when you had a sleepover with the girls at church and it was the first night i can remember where you weren’t there and i was so miserable i cried for the whole night?
okay, i was like, five, but it was still traumatic.
or that time you went away to camp and i had to spend three whole days without you? three? i think i watched like, 3 movies straight to try to forget the fact that you weren’t there, you weren’t there to be with me and talk and laugh and do all of the things we used to. (and that’s selfish, but it’s true.)
i don’t know how i thought those things were terrible, because then you moved to the states for college and it was quite literally the end of the world. i mean, you came back for christmas and summer until life happened and you moved to the states permanently, but man, it hurt.
and, y’know, life happened and it happened and we grew a bit and we changed and you got married and i wrote a book that will never be published and we had to do it all together and apart all at once and there were late night talks huddled together on a bed talking about everything from calvinism to stories the the dreams that haunted us both and then suddenly you were a face on a screen that i couldn’t touch, but it was okay because it was you and i was going to see you soon,
i did and it was the best 2 months i had in a long time and it was safe and you were there and it was beautiful and even if we were both changing we were still sisters and there was nothing that could cahnge that fact and-
and then i had to move back. more like forced to because of, well, life.
which… which was even more traumatizing then the sleepover.
and we could text and talk and it was still normal, still okay, still safe, still hopeful.
until suddenly i’m in a different timezone, on an island thousand of miles from you and you see the sun when i see the moon and i don’t know how to process anything internally or externally and i don’t even know that i’ll see you in person in who knows how long– i don’t know.
drat, i’m crying now.
it probably doesn’t help that i’m listening to your playlist.
and it’s saturday for me, and i kinda really just want to be banging on your tiny cottage door, making fun of frubby, claiming the rest of the fruit gummies, working on stuff with you and excitedly looking up future courses.
and it hurts that i have done that, and i’ll get to do that, but i can’t do that now.
it’s weird about us humans. we want the now. we want the here. we want what we want and when we don’t get it, we feel this strange thing called sadness.
and in that way, i’m really selfish.
you’re like the nani to my lilo, even though we both agree stitch is my spirit animal. (wait, did we O_O) you’re an anchor point that i can return to, a safe place that i can fall back on any time and i just. i don’t know anything. i don’t know what this time will entail. i don’t know what’s going to happen. i don’t know what to do or how to do it, i don’t know how to block the noise that screams in my head, i don’t know where to put the thoughts that invade my mind, and i don’t know how to do any of that without you.
and i’m here and you’re there and i really, really miss you.
but then maybe i’m five again and the sleepover is terrible. but that’s not the end of the story.
i feel like you would tell me that one day, we’re going to look back and see why God did everything the way He did. that all we can do is just keep doing and trust and it will be okay and that we’re together even though we’re apart.
but right now, ate,
and i wish we took more pictures and had more late night laughing and coffee dates and those little dumb things that mean everything and just
i miss you
and i sure hope you’re not reading this because that would be really awkward. but also that’s not new. so.
i love you bun bun.
don’t put salt in your coffee.
~you are my sunshine, jo~