at the time of writing, it is october the first.
a couple months ago, i didn’t even know if i’d live to see the next day.
and i think about that. i think about that a lot as i groan from dying in school, to applying to audition for another school that probably won’t take me, to working out credits, jobs, schedules, and money for another school that i didn’t realize how bad i wanted to go to, to getting an email for a job that i forgot i wanted, to finding little opportunities tucked here and there, to groaning because i’m tired of living and my meh face is my permanent expression, because by all rights, i shouldn’t be here.
and yet i am.
it’s a God move. it’s a total God move. there is no other explanation for how i went from not having anything to live for to having too much to live for. there’s no other explanation for being hurting and being tired and yet clinging on to a hope that feels so far away. it’s like God intentionally put all of this and went “you gotta trust that I’ll carry you, okay kiddo?”
to which i reply “will there be pasta cause i loveeeeeeeeeee pasta.”
i still have problems. i still have struggles. i’m not emotional healthy yet, i’m not spiritually stable yet, and i’m not the bright and happy kid i used to be. i’m scared, i’m stressed, i’m lonely, and i’m anxious about the future, and i’m tired of life.
yet despite that, i still want to live.
that’s gotta account for something.
maybe this is the point where i learn to let go and trust God will catch me. maybe this is where i don’t stress about the SAT exams, don’t stress about the scholarships, don’t stress about the auditions, do the horrid algebra, and watch endgame in my cozy blanket as i think of my new job, and maybe this is where i’ll exist until i can break free and live the life i’m so scared of.
i might not be on as much.
uhm. i might not be as bright as much.
and i’ll probably have to have this hammered into my head over and over until 1170 is over and i’ll dying back at college.
but for the first time i’m living past tomorrow. i’m not throwing away my shot, because i’m young scrappy and hungry and ultimately God’s got me and i am not throwing away my shot.
this is a selfish post. this is a rambly post. and this post, like everything else, won’t make any sense in a few weeks time. but the thing about life is that it’s shared, so even if one person sees this, then it was worth spilling my guts to the web because guess what dork?
you’re gonna be in God’s hands. you’re gonna be okay. it doesn’t feel like that now, but know that deep inside you, you reeeaaaaaaaly want to live til disney plus releases the falcon and bucky show. you do want to live. you reaaaaaly want to see season four of stranger things, you reallly want to begin new chapters of your life, and even if you don’t believe in God, God believes that you are precious and valuable so don’t you dare give that up.
like, come on. frozen 2 is coming in a few weeks. hang on til then.
do the algebra. do the homework. apply for the school. go to that support group. wake up and spam my inbox (i’m so not joking i may not always reply in time but if you need it PLEASE PLEASE TALK TO ME. i can’t claim to be certified but i can be there. from a blog tour to a funny joke, legit, ANYTHING. we cool?) eat. drink. watch a stupid youtube video that’s more meaningful than you know.
live you weirdo!!! liVE!!
God’s got you. life is tiring. but it is so worth it.
and not saying i know from personal experience, but i sorta do.
~when you’re living on your knees you rise up, jo~